I’ll keep this brief. I have a lot of things happening in my personal life, some bad, some good. I’m in a soul-crushing job that I am actively trying to leave. But at the same time, I’m attempting to start a novel and possibly a book of poetry, I want to run my own company, do a podcast and get my personal training certification. So this is my way of saying that my posts here will be more sporadic for the time being. I’d like to take everyone behind the curtain with those good things going on, but until I can free up my mind and time with my main source of income, I have to prioritize the things that I need to. I’ll still post, even poetry and random articles, but I really want to develop my life in positive, tangible ways. I’d love it for everyone to come along with me when the time is right because I believe I’m here to change the world for the better. So stay tuned, be well, and love each other. We need more of that.
It begins in the well
Liquid turning to gas
The flowers begin to wilt
Dying of thirst
It’s only source of sustenance
Lost in the night
Finally, the soul becomes restless
With no water to refresh
And no plant to nourish
The hunt grows sparse
And so, cornered
Blade dull from disuse
The soul shuts down
Unable to fight any longer
But I’ve been here before
My old friend
In the beginning,
I tried to turn back
When that failed,
I pushed onward
Scraping the walls
Feeling my way toward salvation
Now I walk confidently
Unafraid of the path ahead
I may be in the labyrinth
But I’m retracing my steps
I wrote this poem in September of 2017. It was the first poem I had written in about 15 years. I had gone through a long stretch of really good energy and positivity, but it was coming to an end. I had taken on the task of going back to school, working two jobs and volunteering 10 hours a week. I was sleeping maybe 2–3 hours a day and my body and mind had had enough. My depression was back.
This is not my best work, or even good I would argue. But it sparked something in me and started me on the path that I’m walking now. I’m revisiting it now because I’ve drifted back to that place again. I wanted to read my thoughts the last time this happened, to compare the feelings and work out the differences. Thank you for reading.
My depression snuck up on me today
An old friend I hadn’t seen in a while.
He asked how I had been, I said great.
You see, I had finally found a way out,
A way to not be around him anymore.
He used to be ok, I would tolerate him.
He was company, filling a void of conversation and companionship.
Slowly, I realized there was more,
Other conversations that needed to be had,
Other connections I was missing out on
Because I experienced only him every day.
Yet here he was, invading my space again.
I know how this ends.
I know that he’ll hang around for a few days
Maybe a couple weeks
Hopefully no longer than a month
And then I’ll kick him out
Tired of his bullshit.
But in the meantime, I’ll sit
I’ll try to push him out but fail.
Not because I don’t have the strength,
But because in some small way,
I don’t want him to leave.
Are we more creatures of habit,
Or habits of creature?
We like to pretend that we have routines,
Decisions made every day to control our lives.
What about our monkey mind?
When are we making our own decisions
Versus tapping into our primal urges
And acting on instinct?
Creatures of habit are boring
Mundane, ducklings in a file line
Following along in lockstep
Trying not to stand out
Habits of creature are real
Visceral responses to a habitual world
Allowing us to flex
And become mighty